Mental Health is REAL and it is IMPORTANT... Let's LISTEN
Having an eating disorder doesn’t mean you have to be super skinny, it doesn’t mean you have to always make yourself sick or starve yourself, it isn’t all about what you eat or how you do it, it can be to do with so many things, I started to struggle with my eating habits when I was in hospital, my thought changed massively when I became so poorly through food, I didn’t know why I was losing so much weight, why I was always feeling so sick and bloated from eating certain foods, I was in hospital with suspected appendicitis which meant that laying in a hospital bed whilst doctors and nurses did everything they could to test me for everything and anything, sitting with an iron infusion in my arm to help reduce my anaemia which means that I was constantly tried, exhausted, sick, I had numerous amounts of infections and tonsillitis, I never ever ever felt well, I was only ever tired, exhausted and drained.
I became very poorly because of food, my whole thought of food had changed, instead of enjoying it I hated it, I hated how ill I always felt when eating. I never thought that going from enjoying food I would hate it, I started to calorie count, and I really struggled, my mental thought was having over 1000 calories a day meant I was fat, I would do workout after workouts every day, I would go for mile long runs, my Fitbit and my fitness pal kept track of everything I did, it told me how many calories I had burnt and how many calories had my body had taken In that day. It was not that I had any idea what I was doing, I thought it was ok I was just watching my weight, I finally received a diagnosis of why food as making me so poorly, I was diagnosed with coeliac disease, I could have lactose either, but as much as changing my diet I felt better my habits didn’t change they became worse, I would go through the day without having breakfast, I never eat breakfast anyway however I would have a protein meal replacer shake, this made me feel full and I would drink this whilst everyone around me was eating. I could never see the weight dropping off myself but everyone around me could, my calorie counting became so unhealthy, it became an obsession. Having people tell me I look so good and so slim but that was never good enough, I was retaking my GCSE’s for the 3rd time and my stress levels began to rocket, I put so much pressure on myself to succeed my college tutors could see it and they kept telling me how I could do it and I just need to believe in myself but when you are so mentally stuck you can’t feel anything, I was never anorexic but I went through a stage of making myself sick, it was a way to realise the pressure and the fear f never being good enough, the fear of failure. I met this guy back in January and I began to feel happier but living with a fear of failure and a fear of not being good enough I struggled to see what he could see in me, I shut myself off always from most people, I could always always put a smile on my face but deep down when I had five minutes to myself I knew something wasn’t right…
I had to go back to the doctors I still do, but my weight got less and less and the doctors kept records, with my new diagnosis, I was referred to a dietician who saw my meal plans ad my calorie counting who looked at my bones and my vitamin levels, who sat and helped me, she discussed with me what they could do to help and what could happen, sometimes I feel like I am totally over it but when that fear of failure and not being good enough comes in I go back to my bad habits, I go back to calorie counting and meal replacer shakes, or as my mum is getting rid of them I go back to eating children’s meals if is it is something fatty the I go to the bathroom and make myself poorly.
You don’t have to be super skinny to have an eating disorder, you don’t have to make yourself sick after every meal to have an eating disorder, it’s not your weight, it’s not your lifestyle, it’s your habits and my habits became an obsession. In a matter of hours you can go from living your life to being watched for your own safety. There is so much pressure to look good, to be instagram “worthy” to be a size six, ive always always struggled with me=y mental health, my appearance, my body weight and shape, the low self-esteem and the struggle to talk about my emotions and my feelings, they have always been taken from me and used against me.
It’s always been a fear of never being good enough and that comes from a past where expectations are set so high that the fear of a failing and never reaching them shuts you down, it turns you in to a person who has a heart of gold but is too scared to take the risks because you are too scared of being hurt and being broken, when people uses things so sacred to ourselves such as our body image, our virginity, our sexuality, it teaches us that no matter what because of our past or because of the life you lived or live you will never be good enough, social media can be incredible however it is very dangerous, I wish I looked like the girls from love island, we set so many expectations of hat a girl should look like, if you are with someone and they drop you for someone who is prettier but doesn’t have a personality we question where we have gone wrong, why we are never good enough.
We as girls have to bring each other up not tear each other down, build one another because you never know what someone is going though, you never know how someone is feeling, most importantly you will never ever understand what people are going through until you step into their shoes or you go through it yourself but everyone’s story is very different.
Keep strong beautiful whatever you face you will get through…
All my love
Verity x xx :)