Blogmas day one:Why I started Blogmas 5 days later?
Why I started Blogmas 5 days late;
If I am going to be 100% honest I haven’t been feeling myself recently, I feel out of love with my blog and most importantly I fell out of love for myself, I lost who I was and I struggled, I’m still struggling mental health is physically and emotionally draining, it’s tiring and sometimes you feel like just giving up. “I’m somewhere between giving up and seeing how much more I can take” sometimes you forget who you are or who you were. Live changes and so many things grow and change in your life, things get thrown at you and it’s not the things that happen to you, it’s the way you handle them, that makes you a better person, dealing with any situation with dignity and grace, elegance and class not disrespect and hatred, that doesn’t change you, that shows you who you really are.
Falling out of love with myself, who? What? Why? And How? So many questions, not enough answers, it’s not people who make you fall out of love with yourself, it’s not those around you it really isn’t, it’s the voices inside your head, those memories of the words people once said, the lack of self-confidence and self-esteem one person can have whilst I try so hard to fight those words that are seared into my brain, “fat” “ugly” “weird” “slut” the words that truly you aren’t, no one is fat or ugly, everyone is beautiful in their own way I was never a “slut or a slag” at school, I’d never even looked at a boy, my main focus was always on my school work, attendance and just getting the day over with, I’d never kissed a boy, I was still a virgin, so when I finally kissed a boy 5 years later those words went around and around in my mind, I felt bad and confused because I’d been called those words for so many years. The phrase “sticks and stones break my bones, but words can also hurt me, sticks and stones break only my skin while words are ghosts that haunt me” learn it and live by it because this changes people, their self-esteem hits rock bottom and you never feel like you did once a long time ago. It’s never the people around you, it’s the world we live in and I hate to break it to you or even myself the worlds pretty harsh.
People always say to me “you are so confident how can you doubt yourself?” if I’m brutally honest with you and myself then no I am far from confident I doubt everything I do, I doubt friendships and people who care about me, I doubt myself in so many ways, in my college work and in relationships, I question whether I am pretty enough or I question why I’ve never had a boyfriend… I question that if someone cares about me then if someone prettier comes along then why would they chose me. I genuinely have no self – love or self-belief and if those who hurt me in the past or said hateful and hurtful things could see the damage they have caused well you are letting them win then however, you have to grow a pair, easier said than done you have to bite past the fear of rejection or the unknown, you have to live life for what is worth.
So why did I start blogmas late? I started blogmas late because 1 week ago I was a different person, I changed I cried I was mentally unwell and I wasn’t feeling the blog of the community, I didn’t feel the enjoyment I do when writing, I just wanted to give up but well give us a week and here we are, it’s been months and I am sorry but I feel so festive and I’m enjoying myself, I still struggle and through blogmas you will see this, you will learn when I’m not myself or when I truly feel like life couldn’t get any better!
I have so many hopes and ambitions dreams and destinations I want to achieve, I want to show these with you, explore them and live my best life.
So A HUGE WELCOME TO BLOGMAS DAY ONE AND LONGGGGG MAY IT CONTINUE.
Thankyou for your on-going support <3