Anxiety: Life what it's really like.
Let’s start off with I didn’t spend the Easter bank holiday sitting in a beer garden enjoying the sunshine, in fact I worked four splits in a row and well lets just say they were probably the best time of my two weeks Easter Break.
Anxiety, we have and will all suffer with it, you have to be strong and determined to beat it, strong willed and fast; you have to be strong enough to build yourself back up after a knock back and ask for help when its needed. Everyone will suffer whether you are slightly anxious or whether you are severely anxious. Some people don’t really know what its like to sit and rub your forefinger between your thumb and rubbing your ring finger across the palm of your hand, avoiding eye, people assuming you’ve taken some sort of drug or substance that is making you act that way.
You never fully understand that you can’t let the fear of what could happen make nothing, you cant live with the constant questioning of what could happen and why do you always look at the worst case scenario… people tell you to “get over it” or they say you are just “being silly” whilst I choose to grin and bear it, I’m biting the inside of my cheek avoiding as much eye contact as it’s hard, dread going to college, can’t stand it… I always always loved going, I loved every minute of it until one day something just changed inside of my mind, something started the “this could happen” “that could happen” I look at the worst possible scenarios and what could possibly happen, how I’d rather die than walk into a classroom late because I can’t stand the thought of everyone’s eyes looking at me, the feeling I get in my chest when I set foot anywhere that’s not the places I feel safe.
Whilst I sit and pick at my lips or rub the seams of the clothing along the dry dead skin on my lips because it helps distract me from the situation in whilst I chose to stay out of the way of important discussions between lots of people and I’d rather bee on my own than around people who enjoy my company, the real reason I don’t have many friends, I chose the people I trust the people I feel content when I’m around and those who make me feel fully comfortable in myself I don’t look at the worst cases of what could happen because they know me and they understand me.
I’ve always struggled with anxiety since I was young, I was never good enough in school outside of school no matter the amount of social activities I did or how hard I tried every single day it just was never good enough, it was never good enough in my own mind, I felt like I had two conversations on but I was only one person, I live two different lives because if you meet me outside of work or outside of Instagram I’m a quivering wreck… honestly my anxiety only started getting worse since I felt I wasn’t strong enough to fight what my brain was telling me, since I started letting the pain, the grieve and the depression sink in, since I stopped bottling the emotions up because I didn’t and well I still don’t feel strong enough to fight what’s going on inside my mind.
Anxiety doesn’t make you weird or weak, it doesn’t make you into a freak, we all suffer with mental health whether we talk about it or not, I’ve always been known as the loud talkative Verity who’s never afraid to speak her mind but right now she’s tucked neatly away in the box where the anxious, worried sad Verity is… we can pretend to be so happy but “ the biggest smiles hide the most pain” the bubbly Verity will be back when I find my niche again when I fall back in love with who I am and what I can do to change my life.
So all I really wanted to say was I am here, I’m still alive and I still do love my blog with all my heart, however things are currently very difficult but I just want you all to know that I am here if you ever need a chat hit me up on twitter @veritymylove or Instagram @veritypitts always down for a chat! Never EVER EVER BE AFRAID TO ASK for some HELP never ever BE AFARID TO TALK to someone.
All my love